AND SO IT BEGINS...

HELLO WORLD!
THE POINT OF ME STARTING A BLOG WAS TO SHOW THE WORLD YOU GUYS LIVE IN THAT I HAVE A TALENT AND A GIFT AS A WRITER. BY USING THAT GIFT, I WANT TO FIND MY VOICE. I HAVE SO MUCH TO SAY AND MY OWN WAY OF SAYING IT~IT CAN RANGE FROM COMPLEX AND DEEP TO FRIVOLOUS AND FUN. WITH THIS BLOG I AM POSTING TODAY, I AM TAKING THAT FIRST STEP TO PUTTING MY BOOK OUT. I HAVE FEARED DOING SO FOR A LONG TIME FOR MANY REASONS, BUT I REALIZED NOT TOO LONG AGO THAT MY SILENCE, MY BURYING MY BOOK AND NOT PUTTING IT OUT, I AM SUFFERING FROM THAT SAME SHAME AND AM LETTING THE MONSTERS WIN.
Oh, YOU DON'T HAVE MONSTERS IN YOUR WORLD?

I BEG TO DIFFER EARTHLINGS; THEY ARE OUT THERE...

I wrote this poem the day after my abuser was arrested for raping a little girl that lived around the corner from my family in the same housing complex. This was nearly 20 years after he abused me…

I never named it, but it has become the introduction to my book, so I guess we can call it OUT OF THE DARKNESS

 

 

how do I finally begin to heal?

forever I’ve carried this inside

trying to comprehend your deeds

waiting in vain for the fear to subside

you’ve left your mark on my soul

I know it will be with me always

every day I am sorely reminded

how you have killed me in so many small ways

those ways you eradicated my childhood

are etched in my hidden memories

and even as I felt forced to pretend otherwise

I always wondered why this had to happen to me

never having closure or a reprieve

despite all this time spent healing

never being able to understand why

just finding other ways of dealing

how strong you made me without even knowing

but you’re owed no form of gratitude

some parts of me are STILL a little girl

existing and surviving in spite of you

how guilty I feel for all you have done

I’m your victim all over again

I wish I could have helped just one of those little girls

before you came along and ruined them

 

I pray God blessed them with strength

as he did me to survive your wrath

they’ll need that strength throughout their lives

as the truth hits that this will never pass

finally now, I’m learning not to hate

even though that’s how I finally beat you

despising every single breath you take

is sometimes the only way I got through

inexplicably you were allowed to roam

left to roam, left to hunt, left to prey

and even now that you will surely rot in jail

I gleefully anticipate your final day

although I am relieved they got you

I cannot escape my own reality

that in my deepest, darkest most hidden thoughts

I still fear you have a power over me

I speak aloud now what I never could

because my hate was overrode by my fear

I hope in jail you meet the horrors

that you visited upon innocents for so many years

I hope you come to a violent end

because you are someone so undeserving of peace

although God tells us to always, always forgive

there is just no forgiving some things

 

I cannot recall what the nights were

before you forever changed them

to this very day I sleep with a light on

and have an instant distrust of men

just when I think the nightmares have passed

I am attacked with yet another

I hate myself for still being afraid!

and for sometimes resenting my baby brother

you are a monster in so many ways

you held us in your lair for so long

I am so relieved; if not healed and recovered

just knowing you are finally, finally where you belong…

 

 

~Craceys world

sometimes we find the most imaginative ways to escape....