A Sign

Today, January 2, 2014, we laid my cousin: my brother, and most recently also my friend to rest. I wanted to be strong and stoic, but I learned a very long time ago that tears do not signify weakness, on the contrary. They almost always fall in your strongest moments. And I did cry. I also did something I have never done before....

Everyone who knows me knows I am the scariest person ever. I am not afraid of most things like confrontation or a fight, or even being attacked or something like that. The threat of those type of things don't even phase me.  My fears are a little more let's say REALISTIC because c'mon now, nobody is really trying to have to deal with me in those circumstances. See, I believe in ghosts and spirits and monsters, and aliens. Like, really believe they CAN get me! I believe that Insidious and the Grudge can REALLY happen. (don't judge me people, I am a writer, I have an imagination and it is my nemesis at times!) I sleep with a light on (Like a bright 75 watt overhead so I can SEE, light) I have to have my bedroom door closed so if ANYONE (yeah right, I really am afraid of an ANYTHING ) tries to get in, I will hear it.

In saying all of that, when my Aunt Jackie passed and then my mom, a lot of my close relatives had stories of how they 'visited' them. I got calls about dreams and signs and even full on visits, but I never felt or saw a hint of their resurrection; so to speak. B U T, I believe, and it was said to me  (in a slightly mocking condescending tone as if I'm a little buggy for believing in ghosts I might add, but anyway, I digress....) that they understood me and knew me so well that they did not come visit me, even as I needed comfort and solace because let's face it, I would probably either run in hysterical like I'm now crazy and have to live in a nut house fright, or just die.
So since my brother passed, I have been struggling with this fear that he is not gonna make it to Heaven. I was so afraid that he was going to miss his rewards for living on this earth. I was afraid that he wasn't going to get to be with mommy and Aunt Jackie, and that fear consumed me. It hurt me more than what happened. It bothered me and overwhelmed me and even more than my grief; it stayed with me. I didn't know who to talk about it with. I couldn't pass that thought into someone else's head. I have always been taught that to take your own life was a sin and sinners do not go to Heaven. I was so afraid for him and his loss soul and I wanted someone to tell me I was wrong, but I couldn't voice that fear. Even as I couldn't ask anyone here on earth to help me with it, I still couldn't ask Aunt Jackie or Mommy t visit me and tell me he was OK. So it shadowed me. It hinted at the edge of my thoughts constantly, and I worried...

Today, I arrived at the funeral home, and I viewed Ian's body and I did and said something that I would never believe of myself. Maybe because I needed to get it out so bad, or maybe because a small part of me did not truly believe it could happen; I stood there and I asked Ian to please give me a sign. I explained to him about mommy and Aunt Jackie and I assured him that if he was going to make visiting like an all the time thing, he could leave me out (you know the whole I am AFRAID of ghosts thing) but just this one time, could he please give me a sign, come visit me, and let me know that he was OK, and that he was in HEAVEN and in the folds of the love of our 'parents'. I paused and waited a few moments and my Uncle came up and spoke with me, but I didn't get a sign. He didn't sit up, he didn't appear at my side, so I just sat down to get through the service.
As funerals go, this one was amazing. So many came and so many were truly sad and in awe of Ian and while I thought maybe that was a SIGN, I wasn't convinced, and that worry continued to gnawed at me.

And then the Minister stood and spoke. He said a lot, and I had my head down and my eyes closed listening until he said these words... "Let's talk about the elephant in the room.." I raised my head and I looked right in that man's eyes and it was as if he was talking to me!! He went on to speak on exactly, verbatim what my fear was and he spoke of Sampson and His story and how HE too took his own life, and then later, as GOD was writing the scriptures, He remarked upon Sampson as a champion and said it was so because he died in faith.. Sampson was received, revered, recognized, acknowledged and LOVED by GOD. God understood his reasons and declared him still because we are of him and how could we ever be taught or made to believe He will not forgive us any sin!? I was instantly comforted.

I couldn't believe it... No one can convince me that that was not my sign. Ian made sure this man spoke these words, words that may never have come because suicide is so taboo. It wasn't meant to be brought up; indeed, several of our elder family members did not even know how he died as to protect them, and yet, Ian KNEW, he somehow HEARD me and he sent me a sign to let me know he was OK, and he was home.

And as always, he was so considerate. He could have came and told me; if only to have a good laugh as I peed myself, but the whole I may well have DIED had HE appeared made it all the more so comforting. He was always so concerned with doing things the right way and thinking about others and even as he granted my request, he considered his delivery.. Classy, Cousin.
 Thank you brother and RIP...