Hello World and Good morning,
I want to start this morning off with an open letter. It is a letter to the man I may very well love. I'm not sure, I don't wanna be sure, but I do know that I have to somehow get all of this confusion and emotion off of my chest
Dear Man I think I may Love,
I cannot lie about it anymore, yet I cannot admit it either, so we will say I may very well love you, but the thing is I do not want to. I thought long and hard about it and you know what? I can't. I can't be in this position to be caught up with you because my heart is screaming at me that you do not deserve me. I am so sorry, but as much as I do not want to listen to it, I have never been failed by listening to my heart. I have been failed by NOT listening to it and ignoring the warnings, but I have to apply here the lesson learned many times over.
I mean when the truth hits you in the face, it hurts, because it's the truth and it is supposed to, but it also hurts because it's not what you want to hear. The only problem I have with all this logic is, I am the one saying it. I have zero input from you except once in a while, a glimmer of interest and a shimmer of I guess lust. I KNOW how I feel, but I have to guess at what you feel That is not only not fair, but it just cannot be allowed. I have to make sure you understand that I am not an influential teenager anymore. I am a grown woman in charge of me and sometimes that means NOT getting what I want, even if I want it badly. And I do want it so badly (not like that, smh, you Earthlings have filthy minds, but Cracians KNOW I am not talking about THAT)
By saying all that I am saying this,
I laid it all on the line. I told you how I felt, man you already knew before I told you and I have made myself available to you too much and too often. I have listened to your lies and mistruths and bullshit and I said nothing except pointed out the obvious, you are full of shit. I know this sounds like I am mad or angry, but baby, I am not. You didn't do anything at all for me to feel mad or anger. The problem is I am angry with me. I never should have allowed myself to BE here. The truth is, I do not have the tolerance to play these games with you. I cannot be bothered with the what ifs and I hope he calls and all those other insecurity issues that are resurfacing and choking the hell outta my independent, I don't need a dude or love self that has accepted my singleness as a necessity. I cannot be your number 7 and 8 my friend, and let's be honest, number one position with you aint so hot either because you don't even claim your shorty. I mean not to me anyway, but she sure is claiming you all over the place. Wait, my fault, you don't HAVE a woman/girlfriend right? You haven't had any intimacy in 5 months?! Well then where were you sleeping on Monday and Tuesday night? Ahhh I can almost feel the lie before you speak it. It's ok babe, I already know. The great news is that at least I can walk away with my dignity because thankfully you at least respect me and I respect me enough to not take my cookies. Thank you, I guess.
You want me to want you, I see it in your eyes, and you want me to show you that I want you, but you are so arrogant that you think you don't have to show me some sh%t too. BUT, that's my fault. I'm not making you work for this. I allow you the luxury of stepping in and out of my days whenever you feel like and whenever you do feel like it, I welcome you without any question or harshness. I am always sweet with you. I am always willing to laugh and listen to you talk about your day. Well who are we kidding, the little you do tell me about your day means nothing because it just doesn't add up to what I already KNOW about your days, playa.
Let's be honest here, I am a commodity. I am a beautiful, talented, amazing, unique, strong woman that has the distinct nature of being what seems to be lost in today's world, a loyal, faithful, honest woman. I respect those in my circle to the point of worship, and I can't believe I almost bestowed that gift to you. The ones in my circle are hanging their head in shame at my behavior. See, women like me DO want to be vulnerable and show their emotional side, but it's always men like you who come along and remind us why we are very wise not to. I know this sounds like I am angry but I am not. I am sad. Sad for you because you are about to miss out. I am disappointed because I had high hopes and expectations for us. But I refuse to be in that same relationship I have been in countless times before because I always end up getting the short end of the stick, kinda sorta almost exactly like now.
You know the kind of relationship where you open up your heart and let down your guard and become involved. The one where he never follows through with what he says he is going to do. The one where you spend every waking minute wanting to just see him for a moment, yet weeks pass and you don't even see him. The one where you call and your call goes to voicemail, but when you are with him, he answers every single phone call and text that comes in (HMMMmmmmm) You know that relationship where you get stood up and are so angry and done with it, but yet when he does give you an explanation 4 days later, you are so weak for him that you just accept it and move on. That relationship where you never really get a title but he leads you to believe you may have one, but you really don't just so he can say, but we aren't a couple when you dare question wtf is going on. That relationship where you text and he texts and then he just stops and you are left responding and then feeling dumb because girl it's been like an hour since the last response; why are you still holding the phone? That relationship where he says I'll call you right back, and right back must be Ebonics for wait til tomorrow bit^h because that's when you speak to him again; after you call HIM back. That relationship where he NEVER shows you that he is thinking about you, but you convince yourself that he is.That situation where you don't talk to him after midnight but he's telling you he is sleeping, but a few weeks ago, he told you that's when he is out and about but he is so comfortable with lying to you that he doesn't even remember that or care because your dumb a** will be there when he wants you to be. C'mon ladies, you KNOW that relationship where you feel so stupid for waiting by your phone and waiting hours for him to call and putting everything off just in case he does, but he doesn't and you don't hold him accountable, Oh yes, that relationship that should have never happened but you thought it was good for you while all he saw was an opportunity, probably to hurt you because that's just what they DO.
I'm not saying this is you sweetie, but if you see some similarities, it's not a coincidence. So to end this, I erased your number form my phone, and I promised myself that no matter how hard, I will NOT contact you. I am going to delete you from my social media, but I'll wait a few days so maybe you won't notice. I expressed myself to you 100 percent but only because I want and hope that one day soon you will look back and say, damn, I really was on the verge of something great and couldn't act right. Because I wanted you to know and I wanted to be able to say that I was all in; while you were being a boy, I was trying to make you my man. I mean let's be honest, when I never answer another call from you, you will stop trying because you have a harem of women like me who settle and wait in their stall like a racehorse until the front runners figure out their being played and then its their turn so missing me won't hit you. Not right away. When I don't call YOU, you may feel a moment of wait, what happened to my good morning text/call from THAT one as you scroll all the texts from your chicks, but then you will settle right back into your routine as if I never existed but in all fairness, that's cool with me too. I mean my goal was never to interrupt your life babe, my goal was to improve it, enhance it, and elevate it and I would have too. But alas, I can only take you to the bottom of the stairs; if I try to make you climb, boy, you are just going to trip...
Good luck with the whole she's not your girl, but she thinks she is situation, and oh yeah, that OTHER situation you think I don't know about but I do? That definitely is a main reason I can't f&ck with you because she and you and THAT, is just NASTY. And we both know what that word means,
IJS
~Cracey
No comments:
Post a Comment