Im going to start by saying, Do not judge me. You may think I'm going with the, c'mon, homeless people need love too theme, but alas my friends; we have established in past blogs that I may or may not be shallow, I fart in public (gleefully), I sound off against immigrants (only about the language~speak ENGLISH people!), and I may or may not kick a kid (a bad a$$ kid if no one is looking, MAYBE, ok, ok~probably) so, it is safe to say that in MY world, I am not that charitable to just knowingly hook up with the homeless dude. No, just not gonna happen. When I say do not judge me, do not judge my reasoning for the things I do and the way I get through things because, well, because it's MY world, and I make the rules...
So I have spoken a few times about The Jamaican. Some of my FB friends may recall some of the posts about him and his foolish antics, his stalking behavior, and his weird Jamaican, Haitian, Puerto Rican, and Southern accent all rolled into one. Well I met The Jamaican at my job. The waitressing job, and if I am really honest with myself, he was kinda creepy then too. He had these intense little beady eyes that at first seemed intently passionate and smoldering, but after he got on my every nerve, they were just small beady little mean eyes.
Anyway, we met and dated for a while. He seemed nice, but I really went out on a limb~here's what I mean. I have NEVER wanted to date a Jamaican. I hung with them, I ROLLED with some of the toughest rastas in the Bronx growing up and frankly, they frightened me. Another reason is many of them are uncircumcised. (another penis issue we will get into in future blogs), and they are very entitled. I am of course judging from the vast amount I have come into contact with. Please, if you know ONE Jamaican that is not one or three of those, do not feel the need to contradict me or defend your Jamaican friend. It would not have done you any good before I met and dated The Jamaican, and after the experience, it definitely won't change my mind. All was ok at first. He was nice and he was a gentleman and I will admit, he had a VERY sexy playground. Playground referring to the chiseled lean personal trainer body he had. He was super sexy and I am a fan of eye candy. So perhaps in my childlike delight to have a shiny new playground to play in, I ignored the way he was very argumentative. Like he would KNOW everything and get so mad and up in arms if you challenged him and God forbid if you were right! He would google ANYTHING and swear that made him an expert. He was so annoying and after about 5 months, I was ready to call it quits. That playground was fun, but ummm, a slide is a slide, a swing is a swing, and so on. You get my drift...
One day I noticed that The Jamaican was at my house like every day when I left for work, and he was there when I came home, and he was there while I was at work, and he was there when I was sleeping, and... this man was at MY house more than I was. Now here's where I may be judged so I will say it now~ shut up. I did not want to just break up with him after 5 months for several reasons. 1) I am very hard to get along with. I am a jerk and definitely the word BIT*H has been used to describe me 9 times outta 10 so perhaps I was being mean, 2) I had a 16 year old daughter who had NEVER seen a man past my living room, hardly even that, so to have a dude she meets and sees spending the night and going out with us just be gone, I felt like I would give her the wrong impression (The intention was good, but I recognize how selfish that is and how I cleverly convinced myself it was about her, when it was really about me. (there I judged ME for YOU so continue to shut up. Please and Thank you) and 3) I wanted to be an ADULT and work out my issues and salvage my relationship. yet certain things kept getting in my way. Like he came in my room one night (he started taking over the 60 inch in the living room as HIS TV to watch horse racing and turf dumping or whatever weird sport he watched that no one could stand but him) and he said, "do you know why I don't eat dinner sometimes?" My first instinct was to say, "You know why I don't care?" But I was curious so I said 'No, why?' He said, "Because I eat fresh food every night. I don't eat leftovers." Now ladies and gentlemen, I KNOW how to be a great girlfriend and if my BOO said he wanted a cooked meal every night AND he made it possible for me to cook him a fresh meal every night, THAT man would have filet mignon EVERY other night, and lobster or T-bone on the alternates with fresh from the farmers market veggies, wine, and a lil something something for dessert, but THIS dude did not have a job, (he got fired from the personal training gig 3 months in and was a Craig List Comeup moving company owner) Pause for a 3 second long hard stare as you comprehend that. I coined the phrase Craigslist Comeup for him because it means you are NOT successful at it. You are using MY computer at MY house, using MY electricity, drinking my juice all day, don't have a moving van or even a big car, no workers... Again, I rest my case. Saying that, I did not get why he thought sharing that with me would get any other response than the one he got which was, "Eric, if you don't eat what we have for dinner at 5464, GO HOME and eat dinner, or cook dinner. Are you serious right now?" He said (I cannot make this up) "Well you don't buy fresh vegetables every day like onions and peppers and lettuce and I need that in order to cook." Insert a yet another 3 second pause while you comprehend THAT. So was he saying that I needed to accommodate his menu and ingredients and style of cooking AT MY HOUSE? I was kind of at a loss but then I remembered, we are dealing with the Jamaican. This was the entitled sh&t I was talking about. I know if I were at my dudes house every day and he did not cook to my standards, I would cook my own stuff or most likely, I would GO HOME and eat. My curfew would be dinnertime. I'm just saying. The point is, I started suspecting that maybe he COULDN'T go home because he did not have one so I started paying closer attention.
The next indicator was one weekend, he showed up at MY house with his 5 year old son. I guess he had visitation or something, I don't know or care. What I DID care about was why is he HERE? I mean, I just met him once and now he is going to spend the weekend and you didn't even ask me or tell me? Where is he going to sleep? I had an extra bedroom, but it didn't have a bed in it, so again, where was he sleeping? After that first weekend, again, here comes the Jamaican.. "Stacey, my son has asthma, so could yall not smoke in the house when he's here?" I mean seriously people. I would not have had a problem maybe not smoking in the living room or something, but did he really think we were going to go outside and smoke so you could have unapproved visitation at MY house. That entitled stuff again. I stated nearly verbatim what I said here and he got very upset. I mean I guess it was a little harsh, but then again what he said was a little forward and arrogant. While having this heated discussion, I decided to just go for the gusto and I said, Well, look instead of us arguing about it, just take him home on the weekends you have him. He looked at me like I had just told him to take his son to the welfare office or something and said, I am here all weekend so I just need it to be comfortable for him Stacey. ??? What does that mean? So I said, well you don't NEED to be here every weekend. Like what is the problem, do you not HAVE a home to take him to? There. I said it. I smirked nastily because I so enjoy killing a man's ego every chance I get. Sorry, the pressure to live up to the B word gets to me sometimes. He got really angry and to be honest I do not recall what he said, only that he never actually said he DID have a home. WE finally stopped going back and forth but the argument had escalated to name calling so I just knew he was outta there! He was going to prove me wrong and go to HIS crib and cook his fresh meals and have father son time and I could breath! Like seriously, I never asked to LIVE with a dude and here I was trying to subtly evict one that never really actually moved in! NOPE. He went downstairs to 'his' TV, and several hours later came to bed. Thwarted!!
A few nights later, I had an idea, I asked him for his address and before he could ask why I had a ready excuse. I said I was looking into buying a new car and needed references I did not live with. He gave me an address and I recognized the street. I said isn't that your mom's address and he said, yea, my mail goes there and walked away. Dammit! Thwarted again! But I was not to be put off so the next night I went to him and I told him that my family was coming for a visit and I was going to let them sleep in my room since my spare room didn't have a bed and I was going to sleep on the couch sooo, I didn't want to be rude but could he go home for the weekend. He was like, oh man, they are working on my water this weekend, I guess we could both sleep on the couch or couldn't you sleep in Ciarin's room? OMG, this was never going to work. I just had to know if he was homeless for real. Was I dating a homeless dude and more importantly, what kind of relationship were we in that he couldn't just say that he lost his place, or did he never have one!? Then I started wondering if maybe I was being mean. Maybe it was my fault he felt he could not tell me. I mean, I was pretty rude to him all the time but that was because I wanted him the hell outta my house and I wanted to break up with him because I didn't even like him!! BUT how do you say that and more important, how do you put the homeless dude out in the streets. And why didn't he set up camp at his momma's house or did he not want her to know he was homeless either? I was just about fed up so I came up with one more ploy before it was going to have to be a full confrontation.
I sat down with him and was like, listen, you know sometimes I want to be alone with you so why don't we go to your house once in a while instead of always being here? I think it would be nice to be naked and walk around the house and have it all to ourselves which is rare over here with my daughter and my brother living here. (and his homeless behind too if I was listing residents; approved or not!) He really was a worthy adversary in this game of wits though because he came back with, well, yeah we could, but I thought I told you I have a roommate. Oh he was good! You know darn good and well you did NOT ever tell me you had a roommate because then you would have reminded me the one time I did ask if you were homeless. But I had to follow through with the ruse so I just said OH ok, then. But I began planning the attack. Yes, ladies and gents, I was going to assault him with all my clues and my research and my final conclusion; he was homeless. Now, I know people are probably thinking I should have been sympathetic and hold my man down, but to that I say again, shut the hell up. NOOOO!! I was not sympathetic to a liar and a man that I did not even want to BE my boyfriend and one who just squatted in MY crib and didn't even have the nerve to ask me and tell me what was going on. If anything, I felt sorry for ME. I had the homeless boyfriend! I had to contend with that on me. I had to deal with now evicting him and breaking up with him AND now on top of all that feel all bad and responsible for making him homeless literally because really in his mind, he HAD a home; mine. BUT I was about to right that misconception in his meager little brain.
I waited until it was good and late because if he really was homeless, where was he going to storm off to at 3 am to avoid my confrontation? I know, I know, I am super intelligent. I felt like a CIA agent. I had gone back over some of my notes from class on criminal justice on the topic of interrogation and I had watched the FIRST 48 ALL day t get my skills up so by the time the hour of my plan approached, I was ready. First I woke him up with a nice surprise, ( I mean I needed some FUEL to last me since we were going to break up people AND it WAS humpday) AS soon as he came out of the bathroom and thought he was going to go nap (oh yes, I puts them to sleep, sorry), I pounced. I said, Eric, I wanted to go by your house with you sometime tomorrow because I simply do not believe you have one. What time do you want to go. Oh yes people straight for the jugular! I did the passive aggressive (I am sooo not good at THAT), I had done the subtle and the accusation and the playing dumb so by golly, now we were just going to be just how I like it; REAL. He said, I don't want you to come to my house. And he laid down like that was that. Oh no he did not!! I poked him. Hard. And I said, well that's what we are doing because I think you are homeless and I never said you could live here yet you have been here; living here for the last 7 months, and now for the past 4 months, I think you ARE homeless and in order for you to be here and be with me, I'm going to need you to PROVE it. He looked at me long and hard and I honestly got a little worried, but then he jumped up and started putting his clothes on. I did the same and he said where are y0u going? I said I'm going with you, I told you I need to SEE your house, apartment, wherever you live. He said, don't bother, you win, I'm going to my mom's. I'm homeless, your right. Now I should have felt victory, but I felt cheated! He said it like he WASN'T homeless and he was just saying that to shut me up. He left soon after that and we spoke a few times on the phone but I did not see him for a couple of weeks. I was still healing from the fact that I was dating a homeless dude! Don't get me wrong, everyone falls on hard times, even myself have been almost there, but pride aside, if you try to live in your ego ALL the time, even when you are down and out, people will only know and be willing to help with what you tell them. I just wanted him to be honest and lay it all out there, but the fact that he tried (and was successful) to be sneaky about it and move in like I wasn't going to say anything (well, I didn't for like 4 months!) erased any and all sympathy I may have had had he been honest and up front and not so entitled and egotistical about everything!!
Finally, he called one night and asked to see me. I said yes because I was feeling nice and I wasn't doing anything after American Idol so why not? He got there and it just so happened that I was eating a freshly cooked meal complete with salad and fresh greens my brother had made and I was nice enough to share the meal with him. We had a good meal and started talking. He came to the subject of missing me. I mean, I would miss me too, but I didn't understand what HE missed. The fighting? The tension? The smoke that his son cannot deal with? The leftovers? Get outta here, probably missing the warm HOME and place to live. I asked him where he was staying (cut to the chase he Jamaica) He laughed and said, I told you I was not homeless. Do you want to come to my house now? I got so angry!? No he did not leave here 2 weeks ago and go get a crib and now came over here under a disguise of trying to be romantic but it was REALLY to save some of the little bit of FACE he had left by NOW saying, Oh, come see my crib! Needless to say, that ended our little reunion, for the moment at least.
The entire point here is that even the most intelligent woman can be fooled and while all of you on Earth have to deal with dude lying and cheating, in my world, I get to deal with homeless dudes moving in without my consent. Just goes to show you that the things I go through are NOT normal situations...
~Cracey
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