Hello world,
I want to share with you one of my dates from hell, and then maybe some of my biggest critics about my single status will understand why I am sooooo hesitant to even go out!!
In my days (nights) as a waitress, I worked with some pretty interesting characters. Let's face it, the high demand job as a server on an overnight shift at what is really just an after club diner attracts some of the weirder people on the planet, but sometimes you do come across a few people (like myself) who are normal enough to be pretty friendly with.
I was working with just such a person, I call her the pregnant lesbian because yes, she was pregnant and a lesbian (at the same damn... ok, ok, yall get it) We will call her Tasha so she can't sue. It was pretty late and we worked in the slowest store in the damn world so we were outside in the parking lot enjoying a smoke break. (our 30th) A car pulled up in the shadows and called out asking us for directions. I ignored him because I am not giving directions. People never understand you and want you to draw them a fricking map, AND I was on break from a wack night of making a little bit of money so my time and energy was not to be wasted on what was NOT a customer. (and ok, ok, because I'm a jerk as well) So Tasha and I walk (her jubilantly because she always wants to be a help; me reluctantly because I am very BIZZZYYY) The dude in the car was in shadows mostly and I really wasn't paying him any attention. They exchanged their direction information and he asks me for my phone number. Urrghhhh. Now I didn't want to appear shallow but I really could not see the man and I was on one (probably two or three that late) and couldn't really focus on him. So Tasha took his number and I assured him I was sooo excited o have it. (I wasn't)
Now prior to this, I had had a long conversation with my 'friend', Tasha. (in this story I must use the word friend loosely and you shall see why) In this conversation, I made the promise to her and myself that I would be more open to going out, dating, being more friendly, and meeting and connecting with a man. So of course, for the rest of the night, Tasha nagged me. First I put the number in my phone, but, I had NO intention of calling him. I figured maybe he would come back by the job and I could get a look at him. I am NOT shallow, but seriously, what if he was like missing a jawbone or something!? I can't fake like it would be A OK. It's not in me. Shallow, no; Cautious, yes. She also insisted, insistently insisted that he was good looking. I wanna say her exact words were, 'OMG Stacey, he was handsome! Tall, slim, and dark skinned. He was CUUU UTE." So I had to hear that for a week, because I still refused to call him. I had not gotten a good glimpse of him and my intuition was saying no, girl, N O...
Now no one believes this part, not even the dude, but I have no reason to lie. What difference would it even make! My ex, The Jamaican, is named Eric, and this dudes name happened to be Eric as well. One night about a week later, The Jamaican texted me some random text that required me to call him and curse him out because he must have forgotten what and who he was dealing with. In my fury, I hit the call button on THIS dude Eric. I hung up after realizing my mistake, proceeded to call The Jamaican and curse him out and then worried. I called Tasha and explained to her what happened. I knew, just KNEW this dude was going to return the hang up.
And he did...
Of course, because I am a fan of truth and honesty, I told him the mix up and how I had no intention of calling him. Of course, he did not believe that but he made light of it and we ended up having a long conversation. We talked every night for about 2 weeks. He was nice, had a sexy voice, (which did not sway me because I know many people who sound sexy as hell on the phone and then...) We had many things in common and he was kind of funny too. (Really, I was funny and he just got my jokes-hindsight and all that) Finally, I agreed to go on a date with him. We both seemed to be movie fanatics so we decided on movies and then a late dinner.
The next night I spent 2 hours doing my hair and putting together a cute little FIT that was sexy and appropriate. I was excited! I couldn't believe I was going out and letting my hair down so to speak! Me-who will cut a man off before he can even say hello with just a glance and a turned up nose. Me-who cannot stand the entire dating process from the meat markets that are bars and clubs to the damn chance meeting at the Laundromat. It's all so contrived and unnecessary. If there's no immediate spark, I don't even want to bother and let's be honest, my spark plugs are fried!! No replacements.. so sad. But anyway, I found myself anxious and nervous and suddenly remembering, what does he look like? Panicked, I called Tasha and she reassured me that I had a hot date, enjoy myself and call her RIGHT after!! While we were talking, my phone beeped...He was here.
I went downstairs where my brother and his friend told me I was looking great. Jermoll tried to give me some dating advice but his dating card is blanker than mine so I tuned him out. Ciarin told me I was cute, don't stay out late and have a great time. I was set. I walk outside to my driveway, and instead of walking around the back of the car, I decided to walk in front of the windshield seductively to test my skills. By the time I had reached the front fender, I did not even notice that he didn't get out to open the door for me. I was entranced; almost incapacitated, and not in a good way, from the shadowing glimpse I was getting. I saw a skull cap pulled down really low on this dudes head, but his head and face was really oblong so couple that with the misty rain falling and the dark night, I was reminded of the creatures floating on the wall in the final scene of Devil's Advocate. Just that one glimpse made me want to run back in the house. BUT... I am NOT shallow, I chided myself as I caught my composure and walked around to the door. I have been talking to this man for almost 3 weeks on the phone and he seems to be a together brother who makes me laugh so even if he is not the most handsome man, I could give him a chance. I mean it's not like I am a supermodel. In retrospect, I believe this mini speech was sparked by my subconscious mind which had seen what I didn't and was trying to really gas me up to just be nice. First thing I noticed was the smell. The inside of his car smelled like wet dog, sweat socks after a game, and bad breath with a little sprinkle of boodussy. If you don't know what boodussy smells like; well God Bless You, stay uninformed. I said hello and we were off. I made small talk with him and had loooong bouts of chatter with myself, mostly about being nice and at least enjoying the night because I knew instantly this was not going to work. I mean for real, what is THAT SMELLL!! I don't know if it was the smell, or the glimpse or the fact that he tried to hold my hand twice (I HATE to be touched, refer to BlogPOST 'Ok so I farted') I mean seriously, if I am not giving off the touch me vibe, don't touch me! Mind you, I was still trying to get a full look at him. It was dark in the car, and the breath was stopping me from a full frontal look because if that breath assaulted me like that from the side, what would it do full force!?
So we arrive at the movies and we step out of the car. Here people is the exact moment Tasha should've been slapped. Twice. He was super tall (good) but lanky and doofy. Like he was stooped and skinny with really broad shoulders but no weight on him. He had on these super thick like industrial fire resistant material, suede, corduroy, puke yellow pants that were like 4 sizes too big with a green, yellow, and shit brown Charlie Brown sweater that was both too big and too little at the same time. It was like a midriff which allowed me to see his belt cinched so tight the leather was frayed and tattered. He was dark, veeery dark, so black he had a bluish hue to him and his features were about 2 generations off from when we were apes. And this ratty skull cap looked wet it hung so limp and loose even as it was pulled down covering his entire brow and eye line. You could barely see his nose. He looked exactly, exactly like Shaggy from Scooby Doo, except he was black; really, really black; blue! I sighed heavily, cursing Tasha under my breath, and just said F it.
As we were walking to the theatre, he commented on how cold it was and I agreed. He then tried to put his arm around me. I almost tripped moving out of his grasp. We walked into the theatre and all I could do was thank goodness it wasn't crowded because I did not wanna be seen with this goon. I really wasn't going to make him buy snacks and all because the movies can be expensive but I knew dinner was out and he needed to pay for something for looking like that. (I am NOT shallow) I get some nachos and a drink and he gets popcorn. We get situated and while we are waiting for the movie, he starts talking. O M G!!! That smell is NOT breath! His insides were curdled! Like he had to have a vermin infestation and a ruptured bleeding ulcer for that smell to be coming out of his mouth! I almost died several times and I know I was gagging and coughing because he must have asked if I was o.k about 5 times...
The movie was actually a good one, but really GOD!? DJango!!?? Over 3 hours!! At one point, I said out loud "is it almost over?!" He was ,like, 'what's wrong you don't like the movie?' and I answered silently, 'Its good, but I don't think I should be breathing that toxic waste for this long a period and not expect my skin to melt off my cheek.' I just didn't answer him. I didn't think he would even get it because there was no way he didn't smell that! It had to be such a long and ongoing issue that he got used to the smell. Now I was done with the nachos after about 5 attempts to eat them without choking from the smell, but my fruit punch was ok and helped me through the coughing bouts until...
This M FER picked up MY drink as if he was going to drink from it! I snatched the cup and was like, 'wtf are you doing?' He had the audacity to look all indignant and said, "dang, I got my own straw."
Seriously?
I just gave it to him.
To keep.
Maybe it would help his breath.
The entire movie I was arguing with myself on how to tell him I was so turned off and would probably be ok if I never even spoke to him again. I could not even have another phone conversation with him because the whole time I would be imaging his horrid acrid breath coming through the phone to get me! But I just didn't want to seem shallow. Of course the breath and the touchy feely and the rude attempt to sip from my same cup was good enough reason, but it could be argued that I amplified all of those things because he sure did look like Shaggy; a broke down Shaggy if that's possible! I finally decided that it would be really mean to tell him he was ugly and his breath stank so I would just find a way to let him down once I got out of his car and away from his breath. I told him I really wasn't up for dinner so we should call it a night. I had him stop at the store and inside I called Ciarin, whispering fervently into the phone, 'Cees, unlock the door so I can run in, matter fact BE at the door!" He pulled into my driveway and I promise the car was still moving when I leaped from it calling out, 'thank you so much, call me when u get home!'
Of course the first thing I did was call Tasha's ass, but she was asleep. I was so pissed and so disgusted. And I am NOT shallow so I was now stuck with the dilemma of somehow telling him that I was not going out with him ever again. (of course he called 4 times that night and the next morning twice more) I spoke with him briefly but hurried him off the phone. And could not wait for Tasha to pick me up for the ride to work that night. I told her the story on the way to work and she is hysterical thinking it's funny. I tried to get her to understand that she really almost killed me, but she just did not get the severity of it. She was like, "He cannot be that bad looking! I saw him, well... I don't really remember what he looked like but he was ok!!" I just wanted to slap her. (She thought I was exaggerating and I have been known to embellish, but ONLY the numbers! The story is ALWAYS true! Like I'll say there were a MILLION people there and I had to get into it with a few. Meaning, there were ALOT of people, but the rest is accurate.) So Eric calls me around 8 o'clock and I really want to let him down already because the more I talk to him, I find myself being rude and very short with him but he doesn't get it. I told him "look you know I start work at 9! let me get in and get my shift started!" and hung up. So of course, the thirstiest dudes are always the ones with the most wrong with them and he calls me at 9:02.
Deadpan mad face inserted here...
He's asking can he can come to my job and eat. I was like "NO, Ima call you back." And hang up again. Now Tasha is on my case again. "OMG, please let him come!! I wanna see what he looks like! Please please!!" Finally I relented because she really did need to see this hot mess of a shaggmaster she sent me on a disaster date with. I called him back and told him to come on and get something to eat, BUT please believe there won't be any hook ups and Ima need a nice tip. Of course he thirstily; I mean readily agreed.
About and hour later, I had my back to the door and was helping a customer, when I heard Tasha gasp loudly and at the same time, I hear the door opening. I knew instantly that Eric had walked in. The man was THAT ugly that she inaudibly and involuntarily gasped out loud when she saw him AND my description and comparison to Shaggy had to be accurate since she recognized him on sight. I look over toward her and she is in the back room where I can see her, doubled over with laughter. I still have never understood the humor of that moment. But I had a thought as well. My job was a bright, fluorescently lit up restaurant so I looked over at him to get my first real good light assisted look at him. I nearly fainted. Like why did Tasha do that!? Dis she have some of my feel good that night and was dillussional or was she really such a lesbian that her scale of monster and man was that off!?? I never got the answer, but I was more inclined than ever to get rid of this horror show. (I am NOT shallow people!)
To wrap it all up, Shaggy came to the job DRUNK as I don't know what! He ate, tipped, and got put out (by me) after about 4 hours of stalking drunken mess!! He finally leaves after I take him outside and tell him how stupid and ridiculous he looks. He calls me about 7 that morning before I got off work and I couldn't take it. I said, "Did you not get the message last night that you shouldn't call me ever again?" He answers, "you said don't text you." And I hung up again.
So you see people, I am NOT shallow. My instincts were trying to save me from the entire fiasco, but I listened to all the people in my life telling me to GO FOR IT! TAKE A CHANCE! GET OUT THERE! I beg to differ. If going out with Shaggy from Scooby Doo is the way I am going to meet Mr. Right, then Ima need someone to tell me the plan for meeting Mr. Wrong and I'll just have to settle for THAT!
Had I been in MY world, there is no societal judgement for frankness and honesty, even if it is cruel and considered SHALLOW. In Cracey's World, I would have told him at the CURB, AHHHH no... I am just not gonna be able to do this. Your breath smells like my butt on the third day of a yeast infection and you look like an escapee from the evolutionary train...
But I was not in my world and so I had to be polite and nice, (ok, ok, I was not all that nice about it) and besides, He will never know he struck out for the reasons spelled out here, he thinks his drunken antics got him kicked to the street. In a way, I think that's unfair. Somebody should tell him there is something out there for that breath (bleach, ammonia, fabuloso) and that if you are blessed with a face that only a mother could love, you need to up your fashion or something. IJS
