Penis Peeve Part One...

Hello World!

Welcome visitors and me (since I am the only one who lives here full time and all) I start off with that distinction because if it was not before, it must now be understood that there is a reason why I believe that I live in my own world; well it is actually several reason, but the core is one general thing; MY BRAIN. The sh&t is crazy yall! (picture Kevin Hart saying that)

 

The way I feel about penises; well, certain kinds of penises, is a great example of what I have to live with in my own damn head; and the situations it causes to come about. I know that some of you share and empathize with my opinion, but yet you still allow the problem penis to infiltrate your life. (Seriously ladies. Speak up) I Must. I just cannot be manipulated, sweet talked, cajoled, charmed; into engaging with this FIRST penis peeve. The second one is a little more complicated, but it is a possibility of being tolerable maybe, perhaps, as I get older, it gets worse, but anyway...

This first one is so bad that once I know it is THAT kind of penis, I just can't. Put it like this: Any interaction between us CANNOT happen because your penis will be there. I fear it, I am afraid of it, I am sick from the thought of it. This is a very harsh reaction, but it's not my fault. Some people gag and throw up at the sight of blood. Well. That's how I feel about this kind of penis. I know many people think I am going on about size.

Nope.

 

 I am going to break girl code right now and tell these poor men the truth ladies. Sorry fellas, but ladies have had you on this penis esteem tip for so long, I know you probably won't believe me (you are so brainwashed and penis insecure!) but umm, TOO big is NOT good. Think about it. Be hooonessssttt!! c'mon. The cavity, canal, vaginal tunnel; whatever; is a certain amount of yardage. I don't care if you had a 14 pound baby, your vagina is not supposed to take, want, crave, like, or enjoy something equivalent in a penis. No. Your cavity is but so big, so, once it hits the wall, where does it go? AGAINST the wall. Stop playing with that 'we LIKE big penis' bull; It just SOUNDS like it would hurt. This is not a pet peeve or a penis peeve. I simply will not have any interaction with a penis that I am uncomfortable with due to being intimidated by its' size. I'm not afraid, I'm just good on THAT. No thank you. No ma'am. Not to mention, even after a woman has a little FIVE pound baby, she and her vagina are out of commission for at least 4 weeks!

No ladies. I am talking about that one (or two in my case) types of penis you just cannot have any contact with. It's weird or creepy or just not quite right-TO YOU. Others may be ok with it, but you are just good on that type of penis. Mine are, I guess, sort of weird, but hear my arguments and I guarantee, even if you still accept these types of penises, you will understand MY aversion to them And do not get all riled up dudes, please. Your penis won't meet MY vagina, but he will meet others!

The first is the uncircumcised penis ladies. It's the worst that's why it is my biggest peeve. Number One.

Like eeelk

Yuck!

Take your hat off in the house!

It just looks so weird and scary. "Regular' Penises look sculpted and the head is proud and exposed, almost regal. BUT those 'OTHER' ones are all contracted and look all huddled. Even excited, they look all timid and flax; like a dead slab of eel on a beach. Perhaps because of some innocent accidental discovery of porn and other penal visuals, I came to this conclusion, but really, I am totally going with my reaction to my first experience with one. I had come across one or two before but it was not until I saw one that was meant for me to do it with. My reaction to that told me all I needed to know. Uh uh. This is just not going to work. It's not... 

I was shocked by its appearance! And my imagination started picturing all the unpleasant stuff I would rather see right now than this strange thing he said is a penis but it don't even really look like a penis! Like a dead eel, or a mini elephant trunk. Whether the skin is tight or loose, both are just so unsightly! (For real, I legit just shuddered thinking about it.) Prior to this incident, I noted that they looked different but I guess because these 'other' penises weren't coming AT ME, I did not really pay attention to how I FELT about the difference. I just don't know exactly WHY they scheeve me out; but they just are so alien, so WRONG, so SAD~so sorry...

Now, I am not gonna say the brother's name because I am pretty sure I scarred this dude. For life. Like he probably went and got circumcised. (By the way, if that is the case, Still NO!!! we can't do it. I too, am scarred.) I never thought about or wondered what I would do if I saw a different type of penis-like who expects THAT? Who is prepped for THAT though? I had begun to develop an issue with the second penis peeve I have and it was a learned aversion, while this uncircumcised penis fear was instant and assaulting on my senses. I was traumatized. My first and only experience with an uncut penis (why not cut it?!) was with this dude I was dating. It was for real dating too, like we'd go out, and kissed on the fifth date and held hands in the rain. (YES, I am romantic and mushy. Once in a while. When I'm slipping...) It was very grown up. He was handsome and tall and brown skinned. His body felt and looked good in his clothes. He was very charismatic like you were smelling this man, you know? Whew. S e x y.com But annnywayyy, we held off on the penile penetration. He was a gentleman. He said he wanted us to happen naturally. (Had I known he was THAT natural...) One Sunday after we both worked a morning shift, I'm at his house just spending time. We were in the Sunday Funday stage. We would go eat, or I would visit his house for football and dinner. This was a little ritual we had; Sunday Funday. So we talked and since my daughter was out of town on a sleepover, (I could not spend the night out if she was home!; what if she KNEW lol) we agreed that I should just stay over. Oh, I am sorry you hoes and vixens! You didn't know it is possible to sleep with a dude and NOT have sex? Well, it is. (That's the game we played. You know~HIM: 'Why not just stay over? I'll behave.'  YOUR HOT ASS: 'OK! But no touching. giggle, giggle.. It IS possible, but it was NOT likely this time....

I believe in being honest)

 

We drove to my house so I could get some clothes and some pjs, and stopped for some takeout. We get back to his place eat, shower, and cuddle up. It was sooo nice. His body smelled good, felt great, and looked amazing. Sight, sound, taste, touch, and smell; all 5 senses were applauding. OK?! I won't be all graphic because it is going to get UN sexy right immediately so I won't even do you like that...

I  I have been accused of being sexy a time or two so I'm helping the man out of his boxers all slow and seductive and...

Ohmysh^twhatisthatWaIIIT!! I said all of that as I slithered, ran, scrammed, FELL across the floor away from his uncircumcised alien skinned Italian sausage; like it was SOOOO nasty looking to me and I promise, I got so scared! I quickly realized what it was but that made it worse, like why wouldn't you take care of THAT? Haven't you seen other penises? 'Normal' penises, and NOT wanted to be so different!!!??? For real, I was so turned off, but afraid of it, too. He was all like what’s wrong? Insert deadpan expression RIGHT HERE

 

C'mon my man, you know what happened and you know your penis looks crazy! But I also was kind of like maybe it really wasn't that bad. Maybe the sight of it looking all smooth yet wrinkled, mushroomish, but without a top sort of, shapeless but misshapen into a weird shape just surprised me and my imagination just took me there. I do that. I can imagine my entire murder just from hearing a car backfire. I'm all into it. Morbid, and now add weird too, thoughts just emerge in my brain and I SEE the situation far worse than it is- BUT that was not happening here people. No! Just as I calmed down, he advanced toward me- still a lil unsure as to what exactly was the issue and as IT came closer. I felt fear, panic, and disgust all well up in my throat again. No it was definitely that sick sad penis that I had to get away from. I tried to be nicer, but it was like a monster was advancing on me and so I hadta react as I would had THAT been the scenario~FIGHT or FLIGHT. And as I did NOT want that thing touching me, fight was outta the question and I hurriedly backed up even farther away telling him 'STAY BACK!"

 

I hurriedly put on my long pj shirt, feeling way less vulnerable and instantly better now that I was covered and could flee safely n classy if it came to that. I tried to explain the terror that overcame me when I saw his penis but that quickly turned into him giving me a long hard incredulous stare as I described the scene from my perspective. I mean maybe I was overly dramatic, but geesh it had JUST happened!!! In my eyes, I had just survived the opening scene of SAVING PRIVATE RYAN or Dawn of the Dead or some equally near death and highly anxious and nerve wracking situation. It's how I felt inside. Whatever~ I was thinking that perhaps he needs to take a long hard look at that crazy looking PENIS instead of me because THATS where the issue is but I decided I had gotten my point across. I could not imagine any other person seeing that just carrying on like normal. AND it wasn't like his was deformed or anything like that. It was just like the pictures you see of THOSE THINGS, so it was just that extra damn skin that killed my whole vibe. I know some people will say maybe HIS was just weirder than a 'normal' uncircumcised one, but that was not the case. IT was the FACT that it was just that~UNCIRCUMCISED!

 

 I called a taxi; the first time I ever did in Atlanta, cuz I could NOT be in the same HOUSE as that uncircumcised thing! What if he tried to coax it on me at 3 am? I was certain had I stayed he would have mistook that as a gesture of please try again. Me calling a cab however (not even allowing him to drive me home as he pleaded and begged to do) was a clear cut gesture; an ACTION VERB of NEVER AGAIN U FREAK OF NATURE. 

I'm sorry people- I know that's harsh n cruel but I couldn't FORCE myself to be compliant with that bull!!

 

Again, I must stress that this is an AFFLICTION people- like I have a problem so it’s not my fault. Some people are afraid of spiders, some people are afraid of BABIES even and we get them help??!! So my affliction is fear of an uncircumcised penis.... That is normal, I guess and I KNOW there are others. I mean I don't want anyone to feel singled out or picked on. I am expressing MY opinion; my likes and dislikes; my tolerances if you will. Some guys don't like big sloppy breasts; others do. I see it that simply, BUT I will admit, my reaction, and my all-consuming FEAR that one day I might be assaulted by one, be surprised by one, ANYTHING~is not really that normal...

 

Fugebuckets~I never claimed to be normal anyway. And I can live with the title

 

So there you have it. My first penis peeve is the uncircumcised penis. It is out there people and it is SCARY. I don't wanna try to get along with it, I don't care if I sound prejudiced, I just cannot do it~No THANK YOU. The second one is not as bad and it's really just something I have noticed and can do without, but I will save that for a future blog so as not to demoralize TWO pools of penis holders in one reading, ya feel me?

~Cracey

How AKON turned Eminem against me (He's a HATA people!!)

Hello World!


I was thinking about one of my last blogs where I effused on my love and desire for EMINEM. I am not sure if I made it clear just how much I admire, adore, am in AWE of this artist. It is not just his artistry, I feel a kinship, an almost...

Ok, cut the ISH, I la la la LOVE Eminem. Like I have a picture of him in a frame on my nightstand AND one was on the fireplace amongst all the family photos I kept there. Maybe I should have left some of that out because now my claims that I am NOT a stalker may fall on deaf ears, AND some of you may take AKON's side in the story that follows, even though he was so wrong in the level of hate he displayed, especially toward a girl! Like get yourself together AKON. Anyway, here goes;

I was at work one night at the waitress job I told you I worked very successfully while in Atlanta and being that it was around the BET awards, we had a few celebrities trickle in here and there. The restaurant I worked at; WaffleHouse, happened to be located right around the corner from Jermaine Dupree's studio, so we had sightings of Ludacris driving some amped up 2056 car available only to the ridiculously rich and other celebrities. I was breathlessly awaiting Eminem to come into the store. This was the year that the Eminem and Akon collaboration 'Smack That' was out and I believe they performed it that year also at the awards so I KNEW he was in town and I was soooo ready for his azz to walk into my life.

I must interject here that seriously, I am NOT a groupie! I look down on people who go all googoo gaga over a famous person and I tend to be aloof and indifferent when confronted with them because I feel like I AM SPECIAL so maybe they should just be googoo ga ga over ME first. We have had America's Best Dance crew come in before, Usher, and a few reality stars and local celebrity residents and I never ever ever lose my military bearings on principal, even if I am impressed by their credentials.

SOOO, when AKON walked into the store one weekday evening, I was not overly impressed. I mean it WAS AKON; a celebrity, but I never really was all into him or his music like that. He is talented and has some great music (like that collabo with my BOO, but I was just not going to be all over him like he was going to 1: elevate MY status in any way or 2: give me a cut of his fortune, so why be all on his azz, I wonder?) I was however, immediately struck with the thought that Eminem might meet him there and for a full 10 minutes, I watched the entrance like a thirsty scrub just KNOWING any minute he was going to walk through the door. (Like they are FRIENDS and hang out just because they made a record together!? My thoughts don't make sense sometimes, I know, I know..) And just so we are clear here, while I spent the last paragraph specifying how I am NOT a groupie and why, I must say here that if EMINM would have walked in there, all that would have went out the window and I most likely would have made myself look like a babbling buffoon of a stalker fan, but I certainly would have left an impression; which I did anyway through AKON's lying hating... Wait, I am ahead of myself. Sorry.

The store wasn't really that crowded but there were a few thirsty chicks who begged to take a picture with AKON, so I just watched the whole scenario unfold as I plotted MY move. AKON had walked in with what I guess was a body guard, but I could not help but wonder who was guarding this dude's body against all the calories he was taking in? He was a big sloppy mess of a man who was obviously overcompensating for his lack of ANYTHING else to offer EXCEPT his gig as AKON's bodyguard. I say that because he walked in and they sat at the counter where he proceeded to talk, order and BE AKON like AKON couldn't talk to the common folk. My friend Jessica was actually their waitress so I continued doing what I was doing while keeping tabs on them through my peripheral. The bodyguard; we are going to call him Stomach because that's all I recall about him, was putting the few chicks who came up asking for pictures on standby saying, "he'll take some flicks after he eats ladies, just chill". The chill part was kind of unnecessary because nobody was really hyped or anything, but I guess. So after they ate and AKON never once spoke to anyone, not even the chicks he posed for pics with, and they gave my homegirl a wack 10 dollar tip (I just feel like you are super uba rich and could have blessed a sista with a hundred just cuz you see a young Black sister trying to make it. Obviously that's my opinion NOT shared by many RICH mofos, but I digress)

I finally decided it was time to make my move. The store was kind of empty save for about 2 couples and myself, the other waitress (my homegirl Jessica) and the cook. I went up to AKON on the other side of the counter (totally bypassing the buffer Stomach) and said to AKON, "Hey. How are you? I'm Stacey and I know you just took some pics and I really like your music, but I really don't want a pic, I was just wondering if maybe you could call Eminem for me?" BAM!! That's right. I feel like directness is a great quality to possess and an even better one to practice. He looked at me with his beady little eyes and I was struck by how unattractive he really is. ( Trust me, this is NOT my opinion because of what he did, I didn't want a picture because there was no positive outcome from it. He was eelk and so damn Black that I simply was NOT interested in having a visual memory of his face anyway) He simply said, "NO." but real nasty like how dare I ask that? He said so much in that one word response that I came right back at him with the same amount of disdain and disrespect in my voice. In the real world you might be AKON, MR. CELEBRITY, but in MY world, (a realm that he had crossed over into and was not ever aware of yet), he was some ugly azz Blacker than the berry AND the juice dude that was standing in the way of my meeting Eminem, AND he was the link that could make my dream come true! So I said, "I know you probably think I'm like a crazy fan, but I am not. I AM a huge fan of his, and I KNOW he would want to meet me!" He looked at me again and kind of took me in with his eyes. Like really?! Are you sizing me up for Eminem?!! Just call him and let his decide! Again he said, 'NO, I can't call him for you." I said "why not? He may want to talk to me! Just call him and ask him if he will speak to me. I'll hook you up with a free waffle or something for your trouble, man!" AT this point it seemed like he got offended at the offer of a free waffle, but what else could I offer??! He said, "I would not want him to call me if the roles were reversed so I can't do that, and besides, I don't have his number." OOOHHHH! What a liar! If you did not have his number, why even be involved in this conversation? Just say THAT at first dummy. So I just said, "that is so messed up! He is NOT you so you don't know what he would want until you ask him, BUT thanks anyway." I walked away. Stomach edged closer to him, no doubt to get the juice on what I was talking to him about and they left soon after.

I did not think anything more of AKON except to tell people how rude ugly and uncooperative he was, until the day I decided to listen to Eminem's entire album collection and came across a song. I believe this song was on the album right before RECOVERY. The album that most people say is his worst one. It did not sell that good, but as his most loyal fan, AND his future wife, I will go on record as saying, he HAS no bad albums and this one was the BOM.COM as well. I heard the song 'Drugs are Bad' which features the kids from South Park and in one of the verses, Eminem talks about Baab who goes to a restaurant called the WAFFLE diner and kills a waitress named STACEY!!! Like really AKON!!?? REalllllllyy?/ What did you tell my husband that made him view me as someone to be murdered on his track!? Some people say I am reading too much into it, but that is a HUGE coincidence, I am sorry. I believe in coincidences, but this one is too pat, too convenient. I KNOW AKON; and probably Stomach too, went back and told my boo some lie infused story about their encounter with the waitress Stacey at the Waffle House. I KNOW it!!! (and he knows it too, AKON!!! I am LOOKING for you sir)

I am totally convinced that AKON DID call Eminem or maybe they talked backstage at the awards show, but he told him SOME made up, embellished story that made me look like a crazy stalker and Eminem (hahaha-NOT) took that and put it in a lyric.

SO to Eminem, sweetheart, honey-DO not allow AKON to come between our love. Do not fight the inevitable and definitely do not think you can get rid of me THAT easy, and AKON, you sir, are a hater. There is no reason for the foolery and the female antics! Like who does that anyway?! Why did you feel the need to turn my simple request into a mockery that I must say has you on the 10 most wanted list in Cracey's World. Seriously. ON SIGHT, Cracians are encouraged to whoop that AZZ! Smack THAT!!!

~Cracey

RIP Saundra~ My mother

Today is Mother's Day 2014 and I feel the love already. My ne and only child; my daughter, called me at 12 midnight from California to wish me Happy Mother's Day and I got a few gifts already as well. I do think there should be a day set aside and reserved to celebrate Mothers, and I can say that not because I am a mother but because I had the wonderful gift of having one of the best mother's ever...

My mom, Saundra Marie Thompson was one of those women that were BORN to be a MOM. Her nature was just so nurturing and patient. Her very presence was gentle and kind. Even the pictures of her pregnant and then the one time I saw her pregnant with my baby brother are all images of the glowing, smiling, happy, expectant mother to be. She was a great listener and seemed so wise in her advice and conversation. I remember being a little girl and noticing even then how special she was. Everyone thinks their mom is the best mom ever, but my mom was the definition of mother. She would patiently explain things to us as kids, and even when any baby in the family was difficult or cranky, Saundra could get her hands on that baby and magic would happen. I could go on and on with stories about how she displayed acts of motherhood. I could rehash thousands of tales and instances where she did some motherly amazing thing that I cherish from my childhood, but on Mother's Day, now that I am older, and a mother, I tend to remember fondly all the ways she stood out to me as a woman and how those things made her MY Special MOM.

My mom isn't here with us any longer, and so all I do have are the memories she left me with, but I smile so often when thinking of her because even as I miss her, I cannot help but feel her still here. My mother taught me about love. Not just in how she loved me, but in how she loved and embraced everyone. How she always made an effort to get to know people and how she was always the go to for any other woman in our family who needed mother advice. In how she loved my brothers unconditionally as some of them went through and put her through foolery. She never wavered in her admiration of any of us, never judged us, and never stopped encouraging us. Her very existence made you want to make her proud and even today when I achieve something, I think of her pride first. Being in her graces has that much power still. She taught me how to love my own daughter unconditionally and in a way that balances all she would ever need of me. She did this not through lessons taught but by simply being a mother to me. She never questioned my choices, just supported me through them and encouraged me on; right or wrong.

I think of her on this day and I remember all the cards and gifts and dinners we bestowed upon her every Mother's Day past and I ache knowing that we never did and really never could show her or give her enough for her to know how truly she shaped our lives. I always hope that she knew how very much I loved and needed her in everything I did and do. I wish desperately that she was here so that I could say so many things that I have said a thousand times, but with the understanding of missing someone, want to say one more time. Like, I love you, I cherish you, I revere you, I respect you, I thank you, I need you, and I AM you.

But I will tell her anyway. For all of you who are blessed enough to still have your mommy here, let today be the beginning of you telling her everyday just how much she means to you, in some way.

Happy Mothers Day Cracians and Earthlings and a very special Happy Mother's Day to My Mother in Heaven Saundra Marie Thompson and My AUNT Jackie. Love them always and miss them often..

~Cracey

Release me

I am an open book for u baby
Please come and read me
For u I am an open wound baby
Awaiting u to come bleed me
All along i have been a desire baby
Just longing for u to need me
I was a caged bird sweetheart
Desperate until u freed me
I want to be ur dream my love
I want u to simply see me
I wait anxiously in the dark baby
For that time ur ready to recieve me
And i am so bound to ur heart my baby
Until those tender moments when u release me

Through the eyes of a child..

Hello World,

Lately many of my blog posts have been funny (at least I think so!! lol) and that REALLY is my nature. I am fun loving and so full of humor and laughter, but there are many sides to me, I am very multifaceted. (If you don't know what that means, sorry for YOU, this is not Dictionary.com, so I will not be defining words for you; Ima need you to play words with friends, scrabble, or just take an English course real quick)

ANYWAYYYY,
saying that, I understand that many times, humor and laughter can help us get through our bad times. Humor and laughter can be the medicine that heals us. But it also can be the mask that does not allow us to heal. We cover up our pain and our hurt with laughter and the people laughing with us may never know that we are in pain and need something less frivolous and more tangible than a laugh. Like a hug, some empathy, a little bit of understanding...

I began writing as an escape and I have attempted many times to explain to people why I truly believe that my writing is s talent and a gift from my Maker. It is because when I write, I LOSE myself. I start writing and when I come up for air, I have to go back and read what I have written to know what came out. To see what I just created because it's like the words came through me from somewhere else, not from me. It is really hard to explain because it just happens as if by remote and sometimes I have to wonder myself exactly what it was I wanted to say and then re read what I wrote to make sure that is what came out.

In saying that, when I was a kid and felt so unseen, so unimportant, and so irrelevant, my writing became my way of having someone else to 'talk' to. I would write poems and short stories and sort of share them with myself afterward. Weird? Maybe, but that is what I did. I think I was in maybe the 5th grade and we started doing Current Affairs. I hated having to watch the news and be forced to write my own version of what I saw because I was disgusted with the world in general, and with my world in particular. I wanted a way out of both because I felt like my world was a direct result of the greater world. Like because the REAL world was so F ed up, that was why MY world was allowed to be so F ed up.

I wrote this poem probably when I was in the 5th grade and was made to do those current affair assignments. I know this because some of the metaphors I speak of remind me of those 10 o'clock news bulletins I had to watch. The name of it is Through the eyes of a child, and today as I read it back, I ache for those little boys and girls who have their innocence taken from them too soon and have to SEE, REALLY SEE what a cruel and cold world we live in because until it was forced upon me; cruelty and meanness, ugliness and darkness was an adult issue and I should have been allowed to avoid these things as long as possible. That's what childhood is about. Innocence, Oblivion, and Discovery...

 

Through the eyes of a child

 

 

I see the bag lady lying there,

and it brings tears to my eyes

Watching the homeless dig for cans

always leaves me wondering why

I long for the time when the world was bright

and a cold breeze was considered mild

When instead of fear, I felt mystery at night

When I saw the world through the eyes of a child

Hearing the tales of murder for hire

Clutches so painfully at my heart

And hearing the sirens of paramedics in a rush

Makes my breath just catch in my throat

I remember when I was oblivious to all this

And couldn't name one bad thing in this world

Now I am surrounded by evil and sin

No longer seeing through the eyes of a young girl

To see it all again through the eyes of a child

Would be to see wonderment and innocence

The birds would fly with no oil on its' wings

And the most populated places wouldn't be prisons

The flash of gunfire would be in the celebration of a parade

As would the sound of marching feet

Now guns pop in the name of murder

And the marching-a military fleet

War was something only in my history books

And I knew of it only to pass a test

Aids, by definition was another word for help

And to every crime, someone would readily confess

Growing up, I lost almost all that trust

I had in the goodness of man

And while growing up, I began asking why

Do we have to lose the carefree way of seeing,

Seeing things through the eyes of a child?

 

                                                                  ~Cracey Creations





I am NOT a crazy stalker fan, JOSH WOLF!! ;)

Hello World!

This blog post is LOOONNGG overdue but I needed time to ensure that it was written flatteringly since I do not want to alienate one of the people that I admire, yet I have never had the honor of meeting.

Those who know me know that I am so far from a groupie. I rarely get excited about a person's fame, but I do get excited about their accomplishments and achievements. Not necessarily in what they may have done for the world or society, but for what they have meant in my life and have meant to me on a personal scale. There are really only a handful or celebrities that I feel have contributed to my life in that way and some of them are not even considered 'celebrities' in the way say, Beyoncé, or Kevin Hart may be viewed as one. By celebrity I mean they have caused me to pay attention and follow what they are doing in the entertainment field because they are just that interesting.  TO ME. Of those very few, one is Eminem, and the other is Chelsea Handler.

Eminem really should not need a bio here but if he does, then maybe you really should just go crawl back into the hole you live in because you are on my nerves ALREADY in your ignorance. He is a rap artist, but he certainly is more than that to me. He is a poet, he is an urban storyteller, who despite the fact that he is white crosses into the Black culture not only by virtue of the type of music he chose to do (rap, and so many STILL ignorantly attribute RAP to BLACK ONLY) but also because his life story and struggle seems to relate to what we selfishly think is only what WE as a people go through. I listen to his words and FEEL what he is saying and I empathize with his identity issues as well as his relationship with his mother. I mean I say all of that, but not to look like a crazy stalker fan or anything, I must also say I will so totally leave my life and be his slave if he asked. (Ok got that outta my system and we all know it sure isn't his lyrics that will cause this adulation. I so love this man) But anyway, my crazy stalker fan dual personality jumped out and wrote THAT line!~sorry

Chelsea Handler, on the other hand speaks to me because she IS me! I swear she is my white sister! We are born days apart, and she is my Pisces sista, she tells it like it is and really truly seems to NOT GIVE A GOTDAMN what ANYBODY has to say. I, too tend to spout off in my opinions and feelings on a subject and rarely give a thought to how ANYONE is going to receive it. SO WHAT if you don't like it?! Don't listen. I became a fan of Chelsea's when my cousin Erick told me about her show. I tuned in and was hooked. Her take on today's celebrities and issues is so in tune with what I think and her humor is so contagious to someone like myself who finds humor in almost anything. Like, seriously, I can be at a FUNERAL and find something funny. NOT in a disrespectful way, but in the way of like seriously???! That's what and where they are gonna do THIS at? After watching her show for a few weeks in it's infancy, I researched this funny gal that I felt an instant affinity with and just loved her more and more. Her humor is hysterical and her outlook is just so in tune with all the things I feel, say believe and believe in. I went to the library and read ALL of her books and once I agreed that she was well deserving of NYT bestseller status I went out and bought all of them to support my white sister from another mister. I DVRed her show as I worked overnight, and every morning before going to sleep after my shift, I would get Lately with Chelsea.

During this time, I fell in fan mode with many of her round table guests. Loni Love, Sarah Colonna, Ben Glieb, Chuy, and so many others became my go to for funny when I wanted to laugh, but I fell in love with the humor of Josh Wolf and Jo Koy. These two just stood out to me in the way they delivered, the dynamics they created with the other cast members as well as their jokes and perceptions of the daily topics. BUT if you know the two I speak of, Josh Wolf is unarguably the more attractive of the two and in keeping with my' I never had a white boy but if I did, I would definitely give it up to THAT one bucket list',  Josh Wolf became one of my favorite people. I wished feverently every morning as I tuned in that he was on the round table that show, and I was truly disappointed (if not still entertained) when he was not.

I had always followed Eminem and Chelsea on FB and TWITTER because I am truly interested in what they say and what they are doing, so I began adding some of the lesser people I admired (a little) to my follow list and imagine my excitement when I followed my boy JOSH AND (OMG in my biggest valley girl voice n schreech) he followed back AND he answered a tweet like right away!
Now allow me to say this first, I do not think of Chelsea and Josh as the iconic A list celebrities who are unreachable; well not by the standards that Hollywood says makes you a celebrity but to ME, these people that I admire are celebrities of that status and they do enrapture me. It would be an honor to shake their hand and just sit and shoot the turds with them on why I think they are so great, but more importantly for them to see how great I actually am, and why they are that much more iconic because someone like me who reserves judgement and adoration toward those bigshots that are shoved in our face as deserving and instead give it to people like THEM who some may think are UNDESERVING of adoration (people are just mules and cattle, I swear).

Of course, I also fear that I will come across as an arrogant nobody to them but since I have so little on my list of people who are actually important in the entertainment field (well, important to ME), I like to think that they will just as instantly as I gravitated toward them, they just as instantly see that I am more impressed with what they stand for than for any celebrity status they may have.

Saying all that, we get to the juice of the story~Josh Wolf, aka sexy azz white boy that makes me laugh and can wear a hat better than any brother from my hood wears a fitted, I swear!! But anyway, I digress...

I tweeted Josh about tickets to the show because I was lax in my research on HIM and did not know he had his own venues and shows. I also thought wow, I can see Chelsea and him and collaborate with TWO of my favorite celebrities at one time. He graciously told me that anytime I wanted, let him know and he would make it happen. I patted myself on the back because my judgement seemed to be on point. This guy was a nice guy and responded right away. Again, I attribute ICON A list status to my favorite celebrities so in my mind, he is in his 450 million dollar mansion and does not HAVE to even be bothered with me, yet he is. The reality is, he probably is in his split level just trying to make a buck and simply likes to please and communicate with his fans. Be that as it may, this is MY imagination and I put my boi in a 450 million dollar mansion so let's leave him there, please and thank you!!
I never went on that trip to California so I did not ever contact Josh about those tickets, BUT I still watched every show and drooled over every episode he was on. Again, I am not a crazy stalker fan, I am his admirer people and there is a difference. A few actually. I will explain. A crazy stalker would tweet him every day, send him naked pics and claim to love him, I on the other hand will not send him naked pics (unsolicited,  lol) and I tweet him when there is a subject that we need to tweet about. Also unlike a crazy stalker fan I do not profess to love what I do not know, but as an ADMIRER, I do profess to like ALOT what I think I know. It IS confusing, but you do have to applaud my attempt to distinguish myself from the crazy stalkers, if I do say so myself.

In August I actually MOVED to California, but for one reason or another, I never pursued my desire to visit the show. Maybe because it was a big move and I was so focused on getting settled and finding a job, but I did not even think, "hey girl, you are like RIGHT HERE, soooo you need to get those tickests", yet I continued to faithfully watch the show and follow Josh and his hysterical antics on twitter. (I had told a few people excitedly how Josh followed me back and even tweeted with me, but their reaction made me feel like maybe I WAS a crazy stalker fan and I can't just slap every one who doesn't understand the difference so I kept it to myself. Like really, just because you are not impressed with my funny white boi, you don't have to be a big fat HATA about it!)

So I came home to NY for obvious reasons which really boil down to how can you really live anywhere else once you have lived here? But my daughter stayed in LA. I visited her this March and while on my way to the airport, I noticed a tweet by who else, JOSH wolf and I had an AHAHAAA moment. What better chance than now to get those tickets and go see the show and get to meet not only Josh, but Chelsea as well? I was going on vacation so had time on my hands. I tweeted Josh, and true to his nice guyness, he tweeted right back. Alas, I was going to be in Cali for the weekend, and the show did not tape on the weekend!! But Josh happened to have a show at the Comedy Store in Hollywood that Saturday! I was super excited and we shared a few inconsequential tweets about the venue and I assured him I would definitely be there.

I get to Cali and made plans to go the show. I was super excited because I love comedy shows and I was finally going to meet one of the few celebrities I admire and get a picture with him and hopefully hang out with him. (like c'mon people, I am one of the coolest people ever, so as soon as he met me, he was going to want to hang! NOT in a crazy stalker I wish he takes me to meet his mom way, but in a OMG Josh Wolf is so hot and one of my favorite celebrities and I am only here for the weekend so you better stop playing and get on this pretty brown round kinda way~I KNOW yall see the difference right?)

I get there way late because my friend that I so generously invited to go with me did not understand nor did she respect my admiration of this man and my excitement of this event picked me up late and to my horror, surprise, and aggravation, the man tells me that Josh cancelled but John Capparillo (probably spelled wrong, but when you are the co star in a story starring JOSH WOLF you must expect some things to just glaringly put and keep you in your place sir, IJS) and a few other comedians I did recognize would be performing. URGGGH n EELK, but I am here so I may as well go ahead...

I did actually enjoy the show (well since I am an honest person, I will remain true to me, I enjoyed the first 4 or 5 performances and then the reality of what I was missing AKA Josh WOLF kicked in and I had to leave. Not to mention that we sat next to the bathroom and white girl wasted is a state that I had to hear and experience numerous times as they trekked to the bathroom so it was getting real dangerous for white Hollywood chicks the longer I sat there)

I tweeted Josh of course and threatened a Twitter beef that I soooo wanted to start but how can I when my admiration for him was till in tact and he DID apologize. (I mean he IS sitting in a 450 million dollar mansion so an apology in the form of 2 tickets to Cali AND tickets to Chelsea would have been better than an "OH, you went to the Comedy Store and I wasn't there? SORRY" tweet, but we are talking about my imagination and reality lines blurring so we will not go there)

In saying all of that I wanted to finish with this:

Josh, you are still one of my favorite comedians, and even though you stood me up (not like I thought we had a date, geesh what do you think, I am  crazy stalker fan or something??!!) I still admire you for your humor, your accomplishments, your single daddy status (that's what your bio says, so tell your wife to deal with your publicist buddy) and your totally effortless way you wear that hat AND I also still totally want to rip that same hat off your head and run my fingers through your hair as you so desperately beg to touch my pretty brown round!! Oh, and yes, I would also still like to see you live! (that is if I didn't scare you off with the whole I am NOT a crazy stalker fan, but due to me trying to explain how I am NOT I may well SEEM to be!!)
Keep tweeting and keep on doing what you do, you are loved!!

~Cracey

Love unto me

Let the love come into my heart
When it should and when it may
Let the love come into my life
When it's real and here to stay
Allow the love to flow all through me
At the time it is needed most
Allow the love to suddenly envelop me
When I am down and experiencing life's lows
Arrive to me when I am most in need
And show me what I have always known
Arrive at that moment in my life
When I can no longer navigate this alone
Be all the love I can handle
But more than I have ever dreamed
Be all the love I have always believed in
But be all the love and lover I will ever need

~Cracey's Creations